Ah-ha moments, one of many.

So anyone that knows Elijah knows he tells LONG stories. He's 8 and has all the time in the world. He tells stories about World of Warcraft, Call of Duty, ICarley and some are just made up. So I was cleaning the kitchen and Eli's in deep into a story about Russian Espionage during the war (yeah, he's 8) and about fighting and going on and on and on. I am getting frustrated because I am lost in the story and I don't know what he's talking about, nor do I give a rat's ass. So I tell him I have to go to the bathroom and I'll be back. So I go to the bathroom....then I hear him in my room (the bathroom is in my bedroom) and I can hear his handcuffs rattling (his story was a live demonstration with handcuffs, too). I sit in the bathroom and try to wait him out. I am reading a magazine, I don't want to hear more about this story and secret agents. Then like a stab in the heart a rush of guilt overwhelms me. My sister is dead. She will never get to hear a story from her children. She will never get to hold them or kiss them or love them on this earth. What a stupid bitch I am. What a horrible mother. I get myself together and go out to sit on the bed to hear the rest of his story. I listened like I have never listened before. I kissed him and told him I live for his stories. I could see the pride in his eyes.
Love your children. Love your family.

Don't throw the first punch, only the second.

I was in a training seminar last week and a topic came up while we were sitting around waiting. The group was full of teachers, 9 women and 1 man. The topic was fighting in school. I am not a violent person, I have never been in an actual fight. I have had a few altercations, I guess mostly during the early teen years. But never an actual fight. I grew up with 3 older brothers and 2 older sisters, so I guess I had honed skills just in case. One of the teachers said "I can't tell you how many parents come in and admit they teach their kids it's ok to hit if you're in a fight. That only teaches them that you think it's ok to get ISS. That tells them it's ok to fight as an adult". I didn't say anything because it was quickly very clear by all the reactions I was the only one that disagreed. My answer would have been: 1. Yes 2. Yes and 3. Yes.
My husband and I agree and have told our boys that if someone hits you you have the right to fight back. It is not ok to cower and cry while someone is hitting you. We have always agreed on this and not just after 3 years in Taekwondo. My kids aren't aggressive and aren't bullies but I am confident they could come out standing if someone tried to hurt them. We all tell our kids to fight like hell if someone tries to kidnap them....why tell them to act defenseless if someone at school tries to hurt them? It's a mixed message. When I leave the boys at home I say "Don't answer the door for anyone", not " Don't answer the door unless it's grandma, uncle Chris, the neighbor, the police, Linda, Shannon, aunt Mardee....." the message is too confusing. Don't answer the door for anyone (unless it's Publishers Clearinghouse with the big 10 million dollar check). As adults how many of you would let someone attack you without fighting back? None of you, I hope. Self preservation should kick in. It's ok and necessary for you to stand up for yourself physically. I pity the poor fool that hits me first, I have a lot of built up anxiety to release.....they may need some serious medical intervention : )
What do you think? What do you tell your kids?

Learn to lose, kiddos

Is it me or do you find that many boys that play competitive baseball are little jerks? Maybe it's the extreme competitive nature of baseball, maybe it's their parents teaching them that second place is not an option, maybe it's that they are never taught to lose gracefully....what is it? What is it that makes kids cry when they lose? Why? (not just kids that play baseball, it's and example, however, very true of kids that play baseball).
I remember being at a birthday party of a friend several years ago and she had a swimming race in her pool. One child won and got a medal, the other children cried and threw a fit, so she gave them all medals......this isn't the way it should be. If you win, you win. If you lose, you lose. Please teach your kids to lose. It's important to learn to lose. We lose frequently in life. Imagine not getting a job and crying on your way out the door. Teach kids to handle being a smidge less than perfect. Be happy that we aren't perfect. Embrace the things you're good at and love them, but not so much you cry when you lose.
We need to bring back dodgeball.....life is just like dodgeball. You get hit, you learn to dive, you get hit again, you learn to dip, you get hit again, you learn to dodge. Dodge the balls of life.

"We don't have anything to eat"

"We don't have any food, can we go to Price Chopper?" I'm so sick of this comment. Currently there is an ample supply of junk for the kids: frozen pizzas, corn dogs, chips, burritos, ravioli, hot pockets, crackers, waffles, un-crustables, chicken pot pies, fruit, etc. Eli says to me today "When are we gonna go to Ma's (his grandmother)? We don't have any food and she makes the best spaghetti. All we have is watermelon and fruit." It wasn't annoying that he said Ma made the best spaghetti, she does. It's annoying that the boys ALWAYS say this. What the heck. I remember asking my mom this, but she NEVER kept as much junk food in the house as I do. She never had sugar cereal, I'm still resentful.
Do you think that it's a cry of boredom? Like adults eat when they're bored, kids maybe do too???? Does this mean I have to entertain them or buy them some more Cheese Nips? Parenting is exhausting and fattening :)

Raising boys into men and girls into women.

I know there are a lot of books on this topic. There are a lot of suggestions by 'professionals'. Do they have any solutions that are easy?
My boys hold open the door for ladies, they are complimentary, loving, caring, funny and smart. They will one day be wonderful husbands. They love women. My husband and I have taught them that. I am proud of that. Boys need to know how to treat women. Women are to be treasured and loved. It's never ok to hit, cuss or belittle women/girls. Chivalry is NOT dead and it is NOT insulting to the female gender!!! If you think so, please never speak to me again. Ok, sorry that's a little harsh. I think raising boys into men is easy. Just raise them how you want to be treated. But raising girls.....oh hell. I hear it sucks.
In my family, we have 8 grandchildren. Seven boys and one girl, Lilya. My niece Lilya. As most of you know, my sister died about 4 months after Lilya was born. She had pancreatic cancer that was not diagnosed until after Lilya was born. The cancer had spread fast and in the blink of an eye, Wendy was gone. She was 37. Anyway....the both of us had always wanted a girl. We wanted to raise a girl that was confident, proud, smart, strong and independent. These are all qualities young girls should have because they become women and women need these to get through life. So when she found out it was a girl...OMG our dreams had come true!!!! I was so excited to be so close to this mother daughter relationship that I would never have (but, top notch auntie is good enough for me). Wendy was going to raise this baby girl to be a great woman. Unfortunately she just gets to watch from heaven now. Lil is in good hands. She has a new mom that is just as confident and smart, proud and independent as Wendy was and will be a great example for her. For that, I am grateful. But mothers, please teach your daughters to love themselves. Love and respect their bodies, their mind, their heart. It's good to be a woman. It's great to be a mother. God is good.

So what do I get?

So. I am sick of this question "What do I get?". My husband told my youngest (8) it was time to sign up for soccer again and we will go on Saturday to sign up. So my son says "Do we still get snacks in U9?". That was his deciding factor for soccer....do I get snacks... The boys will frequently ask after being told to do something "what do I get", "will you give me a dollar, or ten dollars". They want me to pay them for doing chores around the house. No one pays ME to do the dishes or vacuum or dust, why the heck would I pay them to do the things they are supposed to do as a part of this family. This may be old school, I know there are a lot of people that pay their kids, I think we did at one point (a very short point). But as a member of my household you are responsible to take part in the good and the bad and the dirty. If you want something, let me know, I may buy it for you...if you did your chores without being yelled at. I want to instill values in my children that we work together and their contribution to our household is not only needed but expected. I tell them to go to college and get a job and buy your own house and see what you decide to do. Wow, how have I scarred the children. Boo hoo.
Do you give your kids an allowance?

Why does smart = nerd?

As a type of punishment for doing poorly, on purpose, in reading, I made my 6th grader take a summer school math class. He can read and is a good reader, also somewhat enjoys reading. So because I knew this I made him take math. He does not like or do well in math, but got a mediocre grade during the year after lots of struggling. So anyway, he 'kind of' liked the math teacher over the summer (not the same as the school year, thank GOD). On the last day of school I asked him for his grade card and he gave me that famous disgruntled face and that weird sound they make to go with it. My heart sank and I feared the worst. It took asking twice for him to get me the grade card (did I mention ADHD?). He got an A. He got an A. He was embarrassed he got an A. We have struggled with this the majority of his school career. He makes comments that the smart kids are nerds and butt kissers. He thinks when you do well it somehow makes you uncool. I don't know where he gets these ideas. My husband and I both are pretty smart, we think. We both have graduate degrees and work for the public school system. Heck we're 'nerds' apparently. So the 6th grader knows all, of course. He limits his success in school to aid in his increasing social status. He is quite handsome and funny and smart(how could he not be both, he is mine)but this attitude concerns me. How do I get rid of it? How do I make him see that smart people are not nerds. Smart people go to college and get better jobs and better spouses and better cars/houses/etc.....
My husband struggled with this as a teacher in an urban school district. Kids didn't try to succeed in fear of loosing 'face' with their friends. We live in suburbia, folks. Trust me no one will attempt to beat him up for making an A in math. Ugh, I hate adolescents.