Control

I can't control a lot of things. I can't control most things. I have nothing to do with the weather, other people's bad decisions, my hair. This is why I like to cook. I love to cook. I'm a good cook. Not Top Chef worthy, but good nonetheless. I can control what goes on the table. I can throw it out and cook a pizza if I need to ( it happens). I cook when I'm stressed out. I cook when I'm happy. I cook when I'm suffering from PMDD (look it up, men). Last week I made about a million dozen cookies and threw out half of them because my family doesn't really eat that many cookies. I just threw out 1/2 dozen brownies that were made from scratch that were fancy delicious...but I was done with them. I wish I felt more control over my life, other people's decisions, my hair. But I don't. I ask God for help continuously to make me a better person and to make me forgiving and understanding. But, I lead with my sarcasm so I don't think those prayers are always answered. I create something and then toss it. I start from scratch. I think I'm searching for something that I can't find......oh, yeah, CONTROL!
Anyone else searching for something they can't seem to find?

Halloween/All Saint's Day

Halloween is a tough time of year for. It is probably my favorite holiday. We have a huge family and friend's Halloween party with friends and family members from all sides, and I mean ALL sides. It's kind of odd, but we are odd. It was one of Wendy's favorite holidays, too. This is why it is so hard. Two years ago this month she died and left us to celebrate our favorite Holiday by ourselves. I left a witch at her grave this year and I'm quite certain it was the ONLY grave with a witch on it. But, she loves it I'm sure. This holiday brings back so many memories. Some good and some not good; one year we were on the outs and didn't spend it together and it was the worst Halloween ever! But yesterday I was overcome with sadness and happiness at the same time. We went to see her son, Alex, play in a band competition and I could imagine her watching and smiling at him. I cried a few times during his performance, luckily no one noticed. I would say I felt her presence yesterday. I pray it's true, I pray God let's us look in on our family. I pray she sees us tonight, me dressed like a hooker (Snookie), Lilya dressed like a dog, the boys dressed as the dorks they are.
Today at church our pastor reminded us that it's All Saints Day tomorrow and to pray to the one's we've lost. Please pray for each other.

Saint Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities s that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us

Yes, He's Going to Freakers Ball.

So, I posed on Facebook a couple of weeks ago to get other people's opinion about whether or not I should let my son (13 years old) go to Freakers Ball. The overwhelming majority said 'hell, no". But, I have gone against the majority. He's going. Here's why. I don't feel like I have to justify it to anyone but I want to share my reasons (ok, so that's justifying it to you). He LOVES music. Music appears to be his one and only passion as of yet. It's not my favorite type, heavy metal/rock, but it's ok. I read a lot of the lyrics when he gets new cd's and they're not too bad. A few 'f' bombs are dropped here and there, but they get dropped in my home here and there too sometimes. I don't want to stifle the passion. I don't want for him to feel like I don't accept the type of person he is becoming. What if someday he is a famous drummer? What if then he gets on stage at Madison Square Garden and says "Thanks mom for letting me be me" and paves the way for other kids to feel accepted. What if? Also what if he never becomes a famous drummer? Then who gives a shit, so he went to a rock concert and heard some 'f' bombs and saw some scantily clad ladies....then what? Then he leads a regular life and goes on with his passion in his free time. I don't want to be the person that says 'no' to someones dreams. Maybe it's silly but he could very well be a famous drummer someday. He has all the qualities: Handsome, Smart, ADHD, Good with the Ladies, Mad Drumming Skills....that is all you need. I think I am making the right decision. Yes, there are weirdos at Freakers Ball....but it's all about the music for him. There are really great bands this year. I hope the ladies keep their privates covered but if not, oh well....he sees that at the pool.

What's on the shelves in your school's library?

The last couple of weeks have been educational. In the parenting sense. A friend of mine has a daughter that checked out a book from her middle school library. The title is What My Girlfriend Doesn't Know by Sonya Sones. This book was an extremely inappropriate book to be in the hands of an 11 year old child. It talks about many things that 11 year olds should not know or care about. What is concerning is that this book and many others are available in your child's school library. The librarian doesn't have time to read every book, obviously. But, shouldn't there be a screening for appropriate books to fill a library for middle school children? The boy in the book states that he would rather feel his girlfriends breast than be in an orgy with Victoria's Secret models.......Is this really ok for your 11 year old kid to read? All the reviews for this book give glowing comments, two thumbs up, award winning....The dilemma comes here....who gets to decide what I think is appropriate for my kids to read? You, me, the librarian, the principal, Jenny on the block? Who gets to decide that there will be no discussion of God or morality, but books about sexual conquests of adolescents fill the shelves? I hate that book was there but I hate worse that someone else that I don't know how/why gets to decide what my kids can and cannot read. I greatly value literature (except for anything written by Jane Austin). Literature opens doors for people and is a fabulous creative outlet, but why is that book in a public middle school library?
I am a pretty open parent. I think the truth is the best way to go. I don't lie about or cover up much when it comes to their questions about sex. If I'm honest then they are better armed for the future, it's coming right around the corner.....and for some of you, it's here. It makes me nauseous thinking about it, but it's coming. There were two 8th graders pregnant at my son's school last year and one this year at my husband's school. What the heck is going on? Why and how were these kids able to engage in such adult actions? Is it because they hear and read and talk about it so openly now? I'm at a loss. I just know that when the male birth control shot/pills becomes available, I will tell my kids they're diabetic and they have to take this medication.......That's my plan.

Love and Family

When we were at the carnival yesterday JC and Eli were playing carnie games and they both won a small prize. The game attendant said they could trade in the two small prizes for one medium prize if they wanted. JC instantly told Eli to trade them in for a panda to give to Lilya (my niece, she is treasured). Eli wanted the light saber and would not do it. So JC was so disgusted at Eli for being selfish and not getting Lilya  the damn panda. He razzed him for the rest of the day and still is razzing him today. JC understands the importance of family and thinking about others even when they are not there. No offense to Eli, but he is only 8 and we are all still a little selfish at 8 because the world still revolves around us, right!!! It made me proud that JC was instantly ready to sacrifice his 'prize' for his cousin because he loves her.
We have a very strong sense of family. I think family is the most important part of our lives. The interactions we have with each other, the love we share, the memories, good and bad...They make us who we are. Families and the chaos that ensues make us human. They make us whole. My family is pretty chaotic. We have been through many divorces and drama and still love each other. I love all of my ex-step moms...my kids call one of them Me-Maw and she and my dad have been divorced for over 20 years. I consider my ex-step brothers and sisters as still my family. We are a good an also certifiable group. When my sister died we became a tighter group. I love them more. I love my family more because of her death.
I have lived without my older brother for most of my life. He is in the military and has been for the last 23 years. He is retiring next year and planning to move back to us. I am so excited and it makes my heart so happy. He has been the missing link (no offense, Todd). I wish Wendy were here to share in his homecoming. I miss her so much. I still think to myself that I need to call her and tell her then I quickly realize she won't pick up the phone. But, she will listen in her own way. My boys and my nephews and niece will have a chance to be closer to their uncle and cousin and create room for a whole new chance at memories. I want my kids to have a strong sense of family; it's my biggest mission. I think I'm succeeding.
We only get one shot to live and to love and to laugh. God's most important commandment was to love one another. If you'd like to all join hands and sing Kumbaya then let's. I would do anything for my family even if I didn't want to do it. Not only because God asks me to, but because I love them.

What CAN they do?

I think a lot about the problems my kids have or will have or will never have but I worry about it anyway. I stress over my oldest having ADHD (the real kind, not the bad kid kind) and the effects of it in his academic life and his future career and relationships. I stress over the youngest being easily set into tears, will he be bullied, will he learn to control his emotions? These are trivial things when I think about the parents whose children I serve everyday at work. I am a speech language pathologist and work with special ed preschoolers. Some of my students can't speak, can't hear, can't laugh, can't have relationships. Their lives are filled with CAN'T. It breaks my heart. But, it puts my problems into perspective really fast. Who cares if E cries? He's in touch with his emotions..... Who cares if J can't do a report without assistance...so he won't be a journalist. Someone always has it worse that I do or you do. We have to be glad and accept what we have and make the best of it. After all, we only get one shot at life.
What CAN they do? They can do everything else! My students at school CAN do many other things. Things that are so important that we overlook them. They can fill my heart with love and compassion (I have a tough exterior so you may not know that I actually love my job because of the students).
I want to focus on what my kids and my students CAN do. 

Turning the baby into a boy

Elijah is not a baby, he's 8. However, he's about as self sufficient as a baby. It's my fault and I admit it. I've  keep him co-dependent so I feel needed, it's a sick and twisted world we mothers live in. But now it's very annoying. He can't do a lot of things he should be able to do....he just learned to ride a bike for the love of God. I compare he and JC a lot (not to their face, obviously) and there are so many things that JC could do at this age that Eli can not do. It's interesting how different our kids are when they grow up in the same house, same parents, same situations.....
Last night he wanted to sleep in our room so I told him he had to make his bed on the floor by himself if he was going to stay. So he made his bed....wanted another blanket but I wouldn't get it, so he didn't get one. Then lights out and 10 minutes later he starts crying. I ask him what's wrong and he says that it's not comfortable because I wouldn't get him another blanket and he is 'squished' between the bed and the dresser......my words "um, move then dipstick, solve the problem don't just lay there and cry about it"....he had to go to his own room then because I was so mad that he was lacking so much self sufficiency that it was irritating. Eli is very intelligent but is not very street smart. I've created a baby !!!! So I am now making him do more things for himself, I pledge, I promise. This morning I made him fix his breakfast by himself and other than me having to take the scalding hot bowl out of the microwave he did it all by himself.....and got his own drink : ) Whew, so hard.I think it's funny how the 'need' to be needed rules our lives as mothers and as humans I guess. We all love to be loved : )
I will never give up the bedtime song, no matter how old or independent. Their wives will have to pull me out of their bedroom by my hair, first. Just try me, future ladies.
Is your youngest as co-dependent as mine?

Ah-ha moments, one of many.

So anyone that knows Elijah knows he tells LONG stories. He's 8 and has all the time in the world. He tells stories about World of Warcraft, Call of Duty, ICarley and some are just made up. So I was cleaning the kitchen and Eli's in deep into a story about Russian Espionage during the war (yeah, he's 8) and about fighting and going on and on and on. I am getting frustrated because I am lost in the story and I don't know what he's talking about, nor do I give a rat's ass. So I tell him I have to go to the bathroom and I'll be back. So I go to the bathroom....then I hear him in my room (the bathroom is in my bedroom) and I can hear his handcuffs rattling (his story was a live demonstration with handcuffs, too). I sit in the bathroom and try to wait him out. I am reading a magazine, I don't want to hear more about this story and secret agents. Then like a stab in the heart a rush of guilt overwhelms me. My sister is dead. She will never get to hear a story from her children. She will never get to hold them or kiss them or love them on this earth. What a stupid bitch I am. What a horrible mother. I get myself together and go out to sit on the bed to hear the rest of his story. I listened like I have never listened before. I kissed him and told him I live for his stories. I could see the pride in his eyes.
Love your children. Love your family.

Don't throw the first punch, only the second.

I was in a training seminar last week and a topic came up while we were sitting around waiting. The group was full of teachers, 9 women and 1 man. The topic was fighting in school. I am not a violent person, I have never been in an actual fight. I have had a few altercations, I guess mostly during the early teen years. But never an actual fight. I grew up with 3 older brothers and 2 older sisters, so I guess I had honed skills just in case. One of the teachers said "I can't tell you how many parents come in and admit they teach their kids it's ok to hit if you're in a fight. That only teaches them that you think it's ok to get ISS. That tells them it's ok to fight as an adult". I didn't say anything because it was quickly very clear by all the reactions I was the only one that disagreed. My answer would have been: 1. Yes 2. Yes and 3. Yes.
My husband and I agree and have told our boys that if someone hits you you have the right to fight back. It is not ok to cower and cry while someone is hitting you. We have always agreed on this and not just after 3 years in Taekwondo. My kids aren't aggressive and aren't bullies but I am confident they could come out standing if someone tried to hurt them. We all tell our kids to fight like hell if someone tries to kidnap them....why tell them to act defenseless if someone at school tries to hurt them? It's a mixed message. When I leave the boys at home I say "Don't answer the door for anyone", not " Don't answer the door unless it's grandma, uncle Chris, the neighbor, the police, Linda, Shannon, aunt Mardee....." the message is too confusing. Don't answer the door for anyone (unless it's Publishers Clearinghouse with the big 10 million dollar check). As adults how many of you would let someone attack you without fighting back? None of you, I hope. Self preservation should kick in. It's ok and necessary for you to stand up for yourself physically. I pity the poor fool that hits me first, I have a lot of built up anxiety to release.....they may need some serious medical intervention : )
What do you think? What do you tell your kids?

Learn to lose, kiddos

Is it me or do you find that many boys that play competitive baseball are little jerks? Maybe it's the extreme competitive nature of baseball, maybe it's their parents teaching them that second place is not an option, maybe it's that they are never taught to lose gracefully....what is it? What is it that makes kids cry when they lose? Why? (not just kids that play baseball, it's and example, however, very true of kids that play baseball).
I remember being at a birthday party of a friend several years ago and she had a swimming race in her pool. One child won and got a medal, the other children cried and threw a fit, so she gave them all medals......this isn't the way it should be. If you win, you win. If you lose, you lose. Please teach your kids to lose. It's important to learn to lose. We lose frequently in life. Imagine not getting a job and crying on your way out the door. Teach kids to handle being a smidge less than perfect. Be happy that we aren't perfect. Embrace the things you're good at and love them, but not so much you cry when you lose.
We need to bring back dodgeball.....life is just like dodgeball. You get hit, you learn to dive, you get hit again, you learn to dip, you get hit again, you learn to dodge. Dodge the balls of life.

"We don't have anything to eat"

"We don't have any food, can we go to Price Chopper?" I'm so sick of this comment. Currently there is an ample supply of junk for the kids: frozen pizzas, corn dogs, chips, burritos, ravioli, hot pockets, crackers, waffles, un-crustables, chicken pot pies, fruit, etc. Eli says to me today "When are we gonna go to Ma's (his grandmother)? We don't have any food and she makes the best spaghetti. All we have is watermelon and fruit." It wasn't annoying that he said Ma made the best spaghetti, she does. It's annoying that the boys ALWAYS say this. What the heck. I remember asking my mom this, but she NEVER kept as much junk food in the house as I do. She never had sugar cereal, I'm still resentful.
Do you think that it's a cry of boredom? Like adults eat when they're bored, kids maybe do too???? Does this mean I have to entertain them or buy them some more Cheese Nips? Parenting is exhausting and fattening :)

Raising boys into men and girls into women.

I know there are a lot of books on this topic. There are a lot of suggestions by 'professionals'. Do they have any solutions that are easy?
My boys hold open the door for ladies, they are complimentary, loving, caring, funny and smart. They will one day be wonderful husbands. They love women. My husband and I have taught them that. I am proud of that. Boys need to know how to treat women. Women are to be treasured and loved. It's never ok to hit, cuss or belittle women/girls. Chivalry is NOT dead and it is NOT insulting to the female gender!!! If you think so, please never speak to me again. Ok, sorry that's a little harsh. I think raising boys into men is easy. Just raise them how you want to be treated. But raising girls.....oh hell. I hear it sucks.
In my family, we have 8 grandchildren. Seven boys and one girl, Lilya. My niece Lilya. As most of you know, my sister died about 4 months after Lilya was born. She had pancreatic cancer that was not diagnosed until after Lilya was born. The cancer had spread fast and in the blink of an eye, Wendy was gone. She was 37. Anyway....the both of us had always wanted a girl. We wanted to raise a girl that was confident, proud, smart, strong and independent. These are all qualities young girls should have because they become women and women need these to get through life. So when she found out it was a girl...OMG our dreams had come true!!!! I was so excited to be so close to this mother daughter relationship that I would never have (but, top notch auntie is good enough for me). Wendy was going to raise this baby girl to be a great woman. Unfortunately she just gets to watch from heaven now. Lil is in good hands. She has a new mom that is just as confident and smart, proud and independent as Wendy was and will be a great example for her. For that, I am grateful. But mothers, please teach your daughters to love themselves. Love and respect their bodies, their mind, their heart. It's good to be a woman. It's great to be a mother. God is good.

So what do I get?

So. I am sick of this question "What do I get?". My husband told my youngest (8) it was time to sign up for soccer again and we will go on Saturday to sign up. So my son says "Do we still get snacks in U9?". That was his deciding factor for soccer....do I get snacks... The boys will frequently ask after being told to do something "what do I get", "will you give me a dollar, or ten dollars". They want me to pay them for doing chores around the house. No one pays ME to do the dishes or vacuum or dust, why the heck would I pay them to do the things they are supposed to do as a part of this family. This may be old school, I know there are a lot of people that pay their kids, I think we did at one point (a very short point). But as a member of my household you are responsible to take part in the good and the bad and the dirty. If you want something, let me know, I may buy it for you...if you did your chores without being yelled at. I want to instill values in my children that we work together and their contribution to our household is not only needed but expected. I tell them to go to college and get a job and buy your own house and see what you decide to do. Wow, how have I scarred the children. Boo hoo.
Do you give your kids an allowance?

Why does smart = nerd?

As a type of punishment for doing poorly, on purpose, in reading, I made my 6th grader take a summer school math class. He can read and is a good reader, also somewhat enjoys reading. So because I knew this I made him take math. He does not like or do well in math, but got a mediocre grade during the year after lots of struggling. So anyway, he 'kind of' liked the math teacher over the summer (not the same as the school year, thank GOD). On the last day of school I asked him for his grade card and he gave me that famous disgruntled face and that weird sound they make to go with it. My heart sank and I feared the worst. It took asking twice for him to get me the grade card (did I mention ADHD?). He got an A. He got an A. He was embarrassed he got an A. We have struggled with this the majority of his school career. He makes comments that the smart kids are nerds and butt kissers. He thinks when you do well it somehow makes you uncool. I don't know where he gets these ideas. My husband and I both are pretty smart, we think. We both have graduate degrees and work for the public school system. Heck we're 'nerds' apparently. So the 6th grader knows all, of course. He limits his success in school to aid in his increasing social status. He is quite handsome and funny and smart(how could he not be both, he is mine)but this attitude concerns me. How do I get rid of it? How do I make him see that smart people are not nerds. Smart people go to college and get better jobs and better spouses and better cars/houses/etc.....
My husband struggled with this as a teacher in an urban school district. Kids didn't try to succeed in fear of loosing 'face' with their friends. We live in suburbia, folks. Trust me no one will attempt to beat him up for making an A in math. Ugh, I hate adolescents.

Parenting is a science project. Do I medicate him because he has a fever or let him sweat it out? Do I let him hang out with kids that I know aren't the best characters? If I let him cut the head off of a fish and play with the bloody insides will he need psychiatric help later? The experiences we let them have are the independent variables and how those experiences affect their life I guess is the dependent variable. Is that right all my science friends? I cheated to pass statistics so I may need assistance with that one.
My question or concern is this: Which is worse, letting your child watch violence or sex? God made us to have sex and procreate to populate the world. God did not want us to kill each other or hurt each other. "Above all love one another", or something like that. Why is it that when we were watching Black Hawk Down I didn't hesitate to let the boys see the violence, blood, gore, sadness that goes with war. However, when we were watching The Jerk (one of the best movies EVER) and Steve Martin finds his 'special purpose' it became uncomfortable. He then had sex with the biker chick and it was REALLY uncomfortable and awkward. But why? Sex is normal and among consenting adults a good thing, it's our 'special purpose'. Obviously I don't let my kids watch porn. Which do you think is worse for kids to see? Sex or Violence?

Maybe I went to far.....what do you think?

So my son has taken to cutting things....first sheets, then a punching bag, and now the hammock. This really pissed me off. The claims of "I didn't do it" were total BS. These things are expensive and they are ours not just his. I was in a very angry state after finding the hammock 'injury' and cracked his Call of Duty Wii video game in half. He found it and was obviously a smidge upset......to say the least. He is still not talking to me other than to ask if he can dye his hair black......whatever that means.
Did I go too far?

This blog is dedicated to the parents that try hard to raise normal children. We don't claim to have the answers but we claim to have the experience to make an impact on others. We bond together in our triumphs and tribulations. My kids are regular kids and we live in a regular home. My husband and I have a happy marriage and good jobs. We are FAR from perfect. We have our problems and take them head-on. We will survive. A friend of mine found a plaque that said something like "you may not know how to surf but you can learn to ride the waves". I like that. I live that!
I would love for this to be a COMMUNITY BLOG. Please post advice, stories about your parenting triumphs and falls (we all have those), smart-ass quippy remarks...I am queen of those. We can figure it out.