What CAN they do?

I think a lot about the problems my kids have or will have or will never have but I worry about it anyway. I stress over my oldest having ADHD (the real kind, not the bad kid kind) and the effects of it in his academic life and his future career and relationships. I stress over the youngest being easily set into tears, will he be bullied, will he learn to control his emotions? These are trivial things when I think about the parents whose children I serve everyday at work. I am a speech language pathologist and work with special ed preschoolers. Some of my students can't speak, can't hear, can't laugh, can't have relationships. Their lives are filled with CAN'T. It breaks my heart. But, it puts my problems into perspective really fast. Who cares if E cries? He's in touch with his emotions..... Who cares if J can't do a report without assistance...so he won't be a journalist. Someone always has it worse that I do or you do. We have to be glad and accept what we have and make the best of it. After all, we only get one shot at life.
What CAN they do? They can do everything else! My students at school CAN do many other things. Things that are so important that we overlook them. They can fill my heart with love and compassion (I have a tough exterior so you may not know that I actually love my job because of the students).
I want to focus on what my kids and my students CAN do. 

Turning the baby into a boy

Elijah is not a baby, he's 8. However, he's about as self sufficient as a baby. It's my fault and I admit it. I've  keep him co-dependent so I feel needed, it's a sick and twisted world we mothers live in. But now it's very annoying. He can't do a lot of things he should be able to do....he just learned to ride a bike for the love of God. I compare he and JC a lot (not to their face, obviously) and there are so many things that JC could do at this age that Eli can not do. It's interesting how different our kids are when they grow up in the same house, same parents, same situations.....
Last night he wanted to sleep in our room so I told him he had to make his bed on the floor by himself if he was going to stay. So he made his bed....wanted another blanket but I wouldn't get it, so he didn't get one. Then lights out and 10 minutes later he starts crying. I ask him what's wrong and he says that it's not comfortable because I wouldn't get him another blanket and he is 'squished' between the bed and the dresser......my words "um, move then dipstick, solve the problem don't just lay there and cry about it"....he had to go to his own room then because I was so mad that he was lacking so much self sufficiency that it was irritating. Eli is very intelligent but is not very street smart. I've created a baby !!!! So I am now making him do more things for himself, I pledge, I promise. This morning I made him fix his breakfast by himself and other than me having to take the scalding hot bowl out of the microwave he did it all by himself.....and got his own drink : ) Whew, so hard.I think it's funny how the 'need' to be needed rules our lives as mothers and as humans I guess. We all love to be loved : )
I will never give up the bedtime song, no matter how old or independent. Their wives will have to pull me out of their bedroom by my hair, first. Just try me, future ladies.
Is your youngest as co-dependent as mine?

Ah-ha moments, one of many.

So anyone that knows Elijah knows he tells LONG stories. He's 8 and has all the time in the world. He tells stories about World of Warcraft, Call of Duty, ICarley and some are just made up. So I was cleaning the kitchen and Eli's in deep into a story about Russian Espionage during the war (yeah, he's 8) and about fighting and going on and on and on. I am getting frustrated because I am lost in the story and I don't know what he's talking about, nor do I give a rat's ass. So I tell him I have to go to the bathroom and I'll be back. So I go to the bathroom....then I hear him in my room (the bathroom is in my bedroom) and I can hear his handcuffs rattling (his story was a live demonstration with handcuffs, too). I sit in the bathroom and try to wait him out. I am reading a magazine, I don't want to hear more about this story and secret agents. Then like a stab in the heart a rush of guilt overwhelms me. My sister is dead. She will never get to hear a story from her children. She will never get to hold them or kiss them or love them on this earth. What a stupid bitch I am. What a horrible mother. I get myself together and go out to sit on the bed to hear the rest of his story. I listened like I have never listened before. I kissed him and told him I live for his stories. I could see the pride in his eyes.
Love your children. Love your family.

Don't throw the first punch, only the second.

I was in a training seminar last week and a topic came up while we were sitting around waiting. The group was full of teachers, 9 women and 1 man. The topic was fighting in school. I am not a violent person, I have never been in an actual fight. I have had a few altercations, I guess mostly during the early teen years. But never an actual fight. I grew up with 3 older brothers and 2 older sisters, so I guess I had honed skills just in case. One of the teachers said "I can't tell you how many parents come in and admit they teach their kids it's ok to hit if you're in a fight. That only teaches them that you think it's ok to get ISS. That tells them it's ok to fight as an adult". I didn't say anything because it was quickly very clear by all the reactions I was the only one that disagreed. My answer would have been: 1. Yes 2. Yes and 3. Yes.
My husband and I agree and have told our boys that if someone hits you you have the right to fight back. It is not ok to cower and cry while someone is hitting you. We have always agreed on this and not just after 3 years in Taekwondo. My kids aren't aggressive and aren't bullies but I am confident they could come out standing if someone tried to hurt them. We all tell our kids to fight like hell if someone tries to kidnap them....why tell them to act defenseless if someone at school tries to hurt them? It's a mixed message. When I leave the boys at home I say "Don't answer the door for anyone", not " Don't answer the door unless it's grandma, uncle Chris, the neighbor, the police, Linda, Shannon, aunt Mardee....." the message is too confusing. Don't answer the door for anyone (unless it's Publishers Clearinghouse with the big 10 million dollar check). As adults how many of you would let someone attack you without fighting back? None of you, I hope. Self preservation should kick in. It's ok and necessary for you to stand up for yourself physically. I pity the poor fool that hits me first, I have a lot of built up anxiety to release.....they may need some serious medical intervention : )
What do you think? What do you tell your kids?

Learn to lose, kiddos

Is it me or do you find that many boys that play competitive baseball are little jerks? Maybe it's the extreme competitive nature of baseball, maybe it's their parents teaching them that second place is not an option, maybe it's that they are never taught to lose gracefully....what is it? What is it that makes kids cry when they lose? Why? (not just kids that play baseball, it's and example, however, very true of kids that play baseball).
I remember being at a birthday party of a friend several years ago and she had a swimming race in her pool. One child won and got a medal, the other children cried and threw a fit, so she gave them all medals......this isn't the way it should be. If you win, you win. If you lose, you lose. Please teach your kids to lose. It's important to learn to lose. We lose frequently in life. Imagine not getting a job and crying on your way out the door. Teach kids to handle being a smidge less than perfect. Be happy that we aren't perfect. Embrace the things you're good at and love them, but not so much you cry when you lose.
We need to bring back dodgeball.....life is just like dodgeball. You get hit, you learn to dive, you get hit again, you learn to dip, you get hit again, you learn to dodge. Dodge the balls of life.

"We don't have anything to eat"

"We don't have any food, can we go to Price Chopper?" I'm so sick of this comment. Currently there is an ample supply of junk for the kids: frozen pizzas, corn dogs, chips, burritos, ravioli, hot pockets, crackers, waffles, un-crustables, chicken pot pies, fruit, etc. Eli says to me today "When are we gonna go to Ma's (his grandmother)? We don't have any food and she makes the best spaghetti. All we have is watermelon and fruit." It wasn't annoying that he said Ma made the best spaghetti, she does. It's annoying that the boys ALWAYS say this. What the heck. I remember asking my mom this, but she NEVER kept as much junk food in the house as I do. She never had sugar cereal, I'm still resentful.
Do you think that it's a cry of boredom? Like adults eat when they're bored, kids maybe do too???? Does this mean I have to entertain them or buy them some more Cheese Nips? Parenting is exhausting and fattening :)

Raising boys into men and girls into women.

I know there are a lot of books on this topic. There are a lot of suggestions by 'professionals'. Do they have any solutions that are easy?
My boys hold open the door for ladies, they are complimentary, loving, caring, funny and smart. They will one day be wonderful husbands. They love women. My husband and I have taught them that. I am proud of that. Boys need to know how to treat women. Women are to be treasured and loved. It's never ok to hit, cuss or belittle women/girls. Chivalry is NOT dead and it is NOT insulting to the female gender!!! If you think so, please never speak to me again. Ok, sorry that's a little harsh. I think raising boys into men is easy. Just raise them how you want to be treated. But raising girls.....oh hell. I hear it sucks.
In my family, we have 8 grandchildren. Seven boys and one girl, Lilya. My niece Lilya. As most of you know, my sister died about 4 months after Lilya was born. She had pancreatic cancer that was not diagnosed until after Lilya was born. The cancer had spread fast and in the blink of an eye, Wendy was gone. She was 37. Anyway....the both of us had always wanted a girl. We wanted to raise a girl that was confident, proud, smart, strong and independent. These are all qualities young girls should have because they become women and women need these to get through life. So when she found out it was a girl...OMG our dreams had come true!!!! I was so excited to be so close to this mother daughter relationship that I would never have (but, top notch auntie is good enough for me). Wendy was going to raise this baby girl to be a great woman. Unfortunately she just gets to watch from heaven now. Lil is in good hands. She has a new mom that is just as confident and smart, proud and independent as Wendy was and will be a great example for her. For that, I am grateful. But mothers, please teach your daughters to love themselves. Love and respect their bodies, their mind, their heart. It's good to be a woman. It's great to be a mother. God is good.